Two-Year Performance & Blowing One’s Own Trumpet!

​By: Naeem Masood

Ah, what an absolute “blessing” social media has turned out to be! Otherwise, blowing one’s own trumpet was never an easy business. Social media made it so effortlessly simple that God bless it! Sometimes, such mind-boggling “flowers of wisdom” blossom from people’s mouths that you’d better not even ask one is forced to blurt out in Punjabi: “You were no good to begin with, and now you’ve lost all sense of talking!” ​A well-wisher of a university in Punjab which happens to be geographically connected to Sindh sent a link to a Dawn newspaper report. The news item announced that the university had “formed a harassment committee that will investigate.” Ah, if only it had said ‘research’ instead of ‘investigate’! Now, how on earth is a dervish to know if people actually get harassed there, or if the administration takes action on emails only when pressed? When cornered by pressure, they take action and then make sure to trumpet it loud and clear. A little digging revealed that it was an anonymous email; initially ignored, but when dire necessity backed them into a corner, they were forced to deploy “Double Action Bright” washing powder! ​This university has remained in the headlines right from its birth, feeding, and lodging. Out of its first two Vice-Chancellors, one was the builder and the other was the runner; both were talented, but their advisors thoroughly dumped their hard work down the drain. Now comes the third Vice-Chancellor, who fits the description of “neither here nor there.” He suffers from the delusion that he never steps on wet ground, while the reality is that his feet are neither on the ground nor are his eyes on ground realities the gentleman is perpetually floating in thin air. ​Meanwhile, the university suffers from complete stagnation, if not the haunting of ghosts. Yet, whenever this gentleman visits Lahore, he gets a reassuring pat on the back from the Honorable Chancellor, a glamorous selfie with the Minister of Education, and upon returning, a post goes viral boasting that the Chancellor awarded him ten kilos of praise and declared the university to be floating in mid-air (neither on earth nor in heaven), while the Minister’s glamorous selfie broke all box-office records! In reality, such posts aren’t “viral” they are a “virus.” Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic, whenever stylish men and women pronounce the word Waris (guardian/inheritor) of the university, it sounds suspiciously like “Virus.” But oh well, whether someone acts as a guardian or a virus, what is it to us? Be that as it may, instead of a two-year performance post, the dervish received only the Dawn news link from the university’s guardian. We received this report as a substitute for a two-year performance report, and presumably, this constitutes the entire story and success of these two years. Congratulations were certainly in order so congratulations were given!
​Moving on, my eyes caught countless posts celebrating the two-year performance of Punjab’s oldest university. We extend our heartiest congratulations to the guardian and his chorus of sycophants who managed to age this venerable university into a decrepit old institution in just two years. From the canal running through the center of the campus, milk flows at times, and honey at others! In a satirical book I wrote in the past, I had composed an essay on this very canal titled “The Dusky Water of the Tiny Stream.” In light of prevailing circumstances, a more fitting title today would be “The Mirage Water of the Tiny Stream.”Looking at the sweet conversations taking place, the absolute pinnacle of love, the surging oceans of affection, the endless amenities, the ultimate peace, the utter joy of the employees, the epic tales of the establishment, the grand bravado of the professors, the sheer ecstasy of the students, the non-existent strikes, zero verbal abuse, the cheapest luxuries in the hostels, the complete erasure of bitterness from the face of the earth, jasmine garlands and rose wreaths in the hands of rival teacher groups for one another, and the glowing, blushing faces of the pensioners… I feel an overwhelming urge to send prayers of peace so that the university wins the Nobel Peace Prize next year! Civil awards are surely overdue for the Chancellor, Pro-Chancellor, and Chief Executive for all these grand advertisements, social media posts, two-year goodwill news, and zero-protest environment! ​As for women’s universities, no trumpets of two-year achievements have echoed from any guardian, nor are there any reports of chaos. The news is that all these institutions are no longer “College Towns” they have officially transformed into proper universities. Complaints no longer reach the ears of any VC, nor are VCs naive or gullible anymore. Besides, in this age of Askari Cement, neither mud houses nor soft ears remain everything has hardened and cured! In these women’s seats of learning, you no longer find a VC acting like a Viceroy or a VCR. Whether the River Ravi runs dry or full, it is scribbling “all is well” regarding these two years.
​The joyful news across all universities is that with the increasing influx of assembly members into the Syndicates, the atmosphere has become delightfully democratic so much so that it often feels like an actual parliament session in progress! Given these conditions, it won’t be long before things start feeling downright military (god forbid!). Since the 2009 Act allowed the Minister of Education to chair the Syndicate, Vice-Chancellors across Punjab constantly have their faces turned toward Lahore. Owing to this “Let’s Go to Lahore” routine, the educational grace of Data’s city (Lahore) has multiplied manifold compared to the past. Once upon a time, patients used to march toward Mayo Hospital; now, VCs march toward Syndicate meetings. Thus, in the individual successes of the past two years, Lahore and the Vice-Chancellors have progressed hand-in-hand! Only one regret and envy remains: no posts ever appear from the VC Search Committee circuit! For all these successes, joys, peace, research, and even the “encroachments of construction and publicity,” the true deserving candidates for civil awards, wall posters, and social media posts are those who currently resemble a “City of Silence” (the graveyard)! Before I leave, let me explain why there is this sudden surge of two-year publicity and where this smoke is rising from. Why have these self-praising blowhards suddenly grown wings? It turns out that the Punjab Higher Education Commission (PHEC) and a few other bodies have created the impression of conducting “mid-term performance reviews.” As a result, the advertising muezzins and promotional imams have been forced to climb the pulpit with utmost devotion! May Allah accept their hard work and show them mercy as well! Granted, a two-year performance certificate should ideally be awarded by a third party but who could possibly be a bigger “party” than the VC himself? Our prayer is: May Allah keep every self-praising parrot fed with sweet crumbs! What else can we do except pray, when “the idols have found guardians right from the Kaaba itself!” ​It is Allah’s immense grace that Pakistan has no shortage of “fruit.” Universities are turning into states within a state. The fertility of the soil is such that, barring a few, almost every public sector university has turned into a “Banana State” of its own! If further fertility and growth are required, then every university ought to be granted the status of an independent province!